Terra Incognita

First I was going to eat in a restaurant that was somehow also Finest Deli but I was moved to what was supposed to be their more expensive restaurant next door only it turned into a very disheveled and busy office workspace.

Then I was in Sweden, in some cultural center, ( had just gotten there, and Valerie and Chris were there and I knew it was where I wanted to be. But then I was walking around and I was surer and surer that I wanted to live there and that these people and I would be able to have very intellectual discussions. But I wound up putting all my belongings on the curb to quickly take care of something using the top of a mailbox, and I almost lost them all. But a man helped me so the only thing I lost was the name and address of the cultural center and I knew Valerie and Chris weren't listed in the phone book so I wouldn't be able to find out where they lived.

So I went into some place like the offices of a bank to have someone help me figure out what cultural center it was by what exhibition had been showing there but the first person, a woman, was very rude. Finally people did help me but somewhere in the course of this I realized I didn't want to live in Sweden and although I considered Germany with Anke and France with Vincent I realized I should go back to Spain because I would be able to do theater there.

I was out in Queens around Long Island CIty with David G. At some point he jumped upside down into a narrow underground stairwell enclosed in a fence in front of a small building and said he was taking a piss. Then there was something with a handsome guy I was asking for a cigarette from who wanted to sleep with me, and then I was having dinner in a restaurant with Ramon. We had been reunited. I said I was going to do Spanish theater in New York and he said he wanted to do it too. I realized he meant he had scripts he'd written that I would direct. I was having a lot of trouble understanding him. Then I realized it was the beginning of the semester and I was supposed to teach a class at Touro College but I hadn't gotten the notification of which class to teach and I was afraid it might be that evening. I also didn't have any money on me except for some change, which I used to try to call Touro College at a pay phone but it didn't work. I told Ramon he'd have to lend me a few dollars; then I asked him to drive me to Touro College which was right over the bridge but still in Queens. I have an image that it was the Hebrew school at the Rego Park Jewish Center but I don't remember ever getting there in the dream. There was also something at some point about a small deformed maybe young person we were trying to somehow rescue or fix but I really can't remember.

A very crowded. busy dream of which I remember little but I'm at Columbia and I haven't graduated, I haven't completed several courses and I've missed the deadline to speak to admin about it (guidance counselor?) and this has been due to insanity. But I'm going to go and speak to them anyway. I'm probably going to have to try to convince them to let me retake some of the courses at CUNY because it's so much cheaper and I can't afford to retake anything at Columbia. There is a question of whether I'll be allowed to retake so many courses outside of Columbia.

And there's some kind of trial going on of some man, a middle-aged man, I don't remember who or for what, but people from this site and this world are testifying. I remember Amy, I remember Jazz...but I don't remember anything about the trial. I remember going home on the subway very late at night and thinking it's going to be very dangerous but the subway station is full almost as though it were rush hour. But I miss the train because things fell out of or just weren't in my bag and I have to gather them all up. I miss the train and then it's just me and one other person no the platform.

I go to work in an advertising agency. I've met the staff and an account executive calls me and asks me if I want to meet him that night to have a glass of wine. I'm excited because I thought he was cute and I had a feeling he'd call but I'm meeting someone else (I think my ex-husband) that night, so I tell him I can't go that night, we can do it another night. He becomes abusive, not threateningly but ridiculously so. My mother is there and she tells me it was a prank, she saw him talk about it to a particular woman who I can see standing on the other end of the room, while he was calling me. I go over and confront her and she denies it vehementy. She's pregnant and it turns out she's having the baby next week.

Then the man is being held by the police but has to be let go because there's no evidence for the larger crime although it's known he's done many small misdemeanors like treating me that way on that call. Then I'm in some kind of class and we're asked why he was let go and I say because he wasn't charged for that. The idea seems to be that he will be at another time.

I was with Roxan. We were in the old neighborhood, walking from school, but it wasn't then and it wasn't now. We were walking and walking and walking, toward my house. Sometimes we were talking and then there were long periods when we weren't. One time I said it really was a shame I had a fight with her mother so long ago or we could stop off at her house and then we could go to all those places we used to go to, the coffee shop, the pizza place....Then we were in her house and it was so odd. Her mother wasn't supposed to be there for quite a while so we had time but I was very uneasy about it. Then at some point, somewhere, she bought two pairs of big wide brown comfortable sandals from a humble old Asian man who came to the backdoor (of my house?) and I said they looked like water buffaloes. She said the second pair was and I noticed they had fur on them. Neither of them were for me though and I really wanted a pair.

At another point I was thinking how perfect we were together because she's a 7w6 and I'm a 6w7, and how amazing it is she's sp/so because she's so sexy. She was thin like she used to be.

The night before I dreamed I had a job some kind of warehouse that had like a garage and loading area. This warehouse/garage needed a lot of cleaning, cleaning, cleaning. Jonathan came to the garage with a truck that had his full facebook name on it but he said he wasn't really working with that company anymore.

My sister contacted me from Vietnam. Then I was with Ted, Faiza's husband. He told me Faiza was aloof and innaccessible. I told him I'd seen he had four facebook accounts (he appears to but one or two must be his son's or perhaps nephew''s). He laughed. I saw that Keith was a friend of his and I got in touch with Keith and we reconciled. Keith was living in NYC and was in romantic trouble with a woman he was involved with who he said was very stupid. I told him he shouldn't be with a stupid woman and was trying to convince him to get together with me but he had reservations. In the dream, I remembered his having been in NYC a few years ago and involved with someone else but 'in reality' this was just a different dream I'd had.

I dreamed I married a cop. There wasn't anything particularly coppish about him but he was more grounded and less effete than most guys I've hung out with. At times he was 40ish, which was apparently supposed to be my age; at others he was an aged 65ish which was apparently an older man, a lot older than me.

I also got a job working with a large bunch of old neighborhood people ('old' as in 'former') of the squatter/anarchist stripe though i t was like the old days so they had more of a hippie than an Antifa vibe. How many were there? Maybe 50? 100? What was I doing? Not much, but for some reason I was getting paid and it's not clear if the others were too.

Then very unexpectedly the boss--who was a bitchy scraggly middle aged white woman--called on me and I thought she was going to give me work but instead she said icily that she heard I'm married to a cop. I immediately quit because I knew I was going to get fired anyway.

Then I was at a table somewhere with five or six other people who had surprisingly and inexplicably separated themselves from the crowd and materialized there in solidarity with me, and they wanted us to start our own work group, whatever the work even was.

At some point I went back to where the squatters were for some unknown reason and a small young woman looked at me and told the people next to her I married the cop. After some hesitation, I decided to engage with her and I explained a few things. First of all, I just never made the connection between marrying the cop and working with the squatters; it never occurred to me there was a conflict of interests, but I also never would have talked to him about what went on with the squatters. Etc. I was moderately successful at earning her good will.

Later I was on my own and I began to miss the squatters and to ask myself why I married the cop, did I rush in again and marry too soon, should I have had a trial period living together, was I stifled? It was the usual story of me not being really me because of outside forces I let in, the usual ocd frustration story.

I dreamed life was back, so vivid, so many colors. It was clothing and dance. I found three people in a large dwelling, I remember they cut me Isadora Duncan's clothes, that were white with I think red strawberries on them, and there was such abundance, there was more and more...jacket...hat...after the wrapped Grecian robes...it's because I spoke for the second time with Huberman in Thailand, this time almost five hours. He's my superego. He doesn't know he's bringing me back to life or why or how dead I've been but I have and he is, because of how he's surviving and how he kept the fire. He doesn't ask much about me but if I told him he'd listen, carefully. I've just been keeping a lot of things close to the vest about myself. He's my superego. He's here to tell me what I don't know, what comes from outside of me.

Toward the beginning of the dream a man dressed all in pink, in a very expensive pink suit, came and kissed me. He seemed gay but he wasn't. I think we were in Spain. Then there was a part with a dancer, a professional dancer, about how dancers meld into the sculpted art deco glass in their ecstasy. We see them on the glass, we don't realize they're melded.

Buying very beautiful expensive artistic clothes, preparing myself to mmet very wealthy people. Some kind of story of friendship and love, I don't remember...