Anthony's Garden of Onomatopoeic Octahedrons

[Anthony]

Alright, here's how this is gonna go down:

Imagine I am the garden owner and you are the worms. You slithery, squishy bird feed are all stupefied by my visible, size, strength, and ostensible ability to metacognate, and then you all decide to crawl into my bucket, because what do you know, and then I sink hooks into you and cast you into lakes.

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I will also post music I enjoy, pieces of writing, photos, thoughts, and an assortment of other things I happen to find interesting.

[Anthony]

[Anthony]

Wrote this tonight, first crack at poetry in...idk how long, but a long time—


In Pins & Needles:

Time’s yarn, spun helix of yore, string of our DNA

mitosis of Mind, in pins & needles, to precepts of all of Day.

Austere linearities, collection of points, axons ordering the All,

i carry thy sooth in pins & needles, a thorny effort not to Fall.

I tread a tightrope, hands pressed, prey toward the sky,

toes: tense, taut, taught—a bundle of nerves along a line.

[Roshan]

Meiosis of mined I
thread a tietrope

[Anthony]

Meiosis of mined I
thread a tietrope

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[Anthony]

A very short, 'comedic' journal entry I wrote over the summer that seems somehow fitting for this week:

"Skyscraper," alternatively, "Woe is me, woe is me "

To be suspended from the edge of a skyscraper towering over the city, supporting myself only with the shrinking strength of my fingertips, and then to finally lose my grip and fall, accelerating downwards with enough speed to plummet through the earth’s surface, breaking through the crust, mantle, and eventually being incinerated by the suffocating heat of the core until, as shattered bits of scorched flesh and bone, I burst out the opposite end of the planet as if shot from an underground confetti cannon.

[Roshan]

So that is the counterflow--so/sp-->sp/sx.

In pondering Byrne's 'Once in a Lifetime', along with things you've said recently about your childhood, I'm coming to the view that you're so counterflow you don't even know what it is, as in, 'the water you swim in'.

[Anthony]

I never considered that, but it may very well be the case.

When I wrote "Skyscraper," I was trying to allegorically 'chart out' the general feeling of my general self-experience—specifically, that of imposing order on myself in order to remain, in some sense, 'higher up' than the constantly looming, uncontrollable ugliness and dirt threatening to suffocate and drown me. It's hard to talk about without getting imagistic, but I recognized that it was So/Sp-->Sp/Sx shortly after writing, wondered if my knowledge of that flow seeped in and impacted my writing (though I viewed myself as Sp/So at the time of writing), and realized that no, I wouldn't and couldn't have written "Skyscraper" any other way without feeling completely inauthentic.

And with respect to my childhood, yes...I always had the sense that I was, to borrow Gray's language, "energetically autonomous, reverse-flow change catalyzing, compelled against and/or solipsistically away from people," and that it was hard for me to maintain friendships, yada yada...it is hard for me to sit idly in a group with almost anyone and just 'accept' what's going on and remain present in my participation, and normally I'll just leave, or ignore them—tut tut.
But [one of] the sort of thing(s) that makes me question that is, well (yes this is a bad argument), I STILL saught after friendships and 'acceptance' among people, and I STILL internalized outside influences in an attempt to be able to 'sit comfortably' and find acceptance within groups—but this is very much a profound over-accommodation, or at least I certainly experienced it as such, and it's no doubt that it's very much the reason behind the "asociality"(perhaps "antisociality") I developed in high school AND one of the things fueling the very stubborn, resentful, righteous anger behind the ED(socially accommodating to being "fat," other people just accepting it, and fears about my "role" turning into something that I didn't accept...to starve is also to say "fuck you")...so "social 9"...

[Anthony]

I'm still with So/Sp-->Sp/Sx, especially after I realized, as I pieced together my past, how much of the issues currently predominating my life are ULTIMATELY Social instinct issues, including the ED. It's also just hard for me to admit (to myself as well) as I believe I alluded to on EF with a different thing, but this should've been much more obvious than it was to me.

[Anthony]

But [one of] the sort of thing(s) that makes me question that is, well (yes this is a bad argument), I STILL saught after friendships and 'acceptance' among people, and I STILL internalized outside influences in an attempt to be able to 'sit comfortably' and find acceptance within groups—but this is very much a profound over-accommodation, or at least I certainly experienced it as such, and it's no doubt that it's very much the reason behind the "asociality"(perhaps "antisociality") I developed in high school AND one of the things fueling the very stubborn, resentful, righteous anger behind the ED(socially accommodating to being "fat," other people just accepting it, and fears about my "role" turning into something that I didn't accept...to starve is also to say "fuck you")...so "social 9"...

This is the kind of stuff that confused me until now.
Like, if I'm "so counterflow that I don't even know what it is because it's just the water I swam in" and I have double (4w5), why did I passively 'go along' with environmental influences fairly often, such as agreeing to participate in sports for the mere fact that my family focused on it so heavily? (Despite my uncommon, individually-discovered interests, there were also various 'normal' interests I had as well)

But so did Marilyn Manson, even Goebbels the Nazi wanted to join the German army, and many synflow people with MORE attachment than me would've been resistant (like my brother).

At a certain point, my "weirdness" ALWAYS would inevitably surface, I would always find ways to maintain and express my individuality (but without inciting too much conflict), and I wasn't able to maintain friendships or connections in those areas despite not being hated. Until now, I attributed that only to my 5 fix and 3w4 aloofness (and it WAS CERTAINLY those things). My mother always saw my over-accommodation and knew that's what I was doing, but my father never did and still does not. Much of that "weirdness" was the aloof, moralistic, philosophical underbelly I would call attention to and disrupt others' ability to 'just exist' peacefully, and there was always an undercurrent I had of "not wanting to be where I was," and what I mean by that is...The Big Country.

Edit: I know this has all been beaten to death, but I personally find it important to go through this, also because it's putting into perspective so many things that I suppressed or completely forgot about and want to resurface. I can't even encompass all of it in writing, in part because my memory is still faulty. However, the idea that I'm NOT Sp first along with being Social 9 lead is just hitting me very strongly, falling into place.